Some Great Things About Rifles

by LF (6/97)

• If ya gotta have a penis substitute, ya might as well make it a big one.
• They make small holes in drywall, which are much easier to fill with toothpaste than a shotgun's.
• If you accidentally crank off a round that sails over your target, the poor slob that you kill will at least be far, far away.
• They were "armor-piercing" before punching through Kevlar was uncool. Sorry Officer!
• The neighbors can't possibly mistake your contoured vinyl "assault weapon" carrying case for anything else, so walk like a peacock.
• Their magazine pouches are usually large enough to accommodate a beer or two.
• You can make cracks about checking around downtown for a "tall building that overlooks a lot of pedestrian traffic" to the store clerk when buying ammo.
• The SWAT team will initially cut you some breathing room.
• They are harder to fit under your chin.

Up the spout