Settin' Out for a New Territory

by LF (6/2/99)

You know what I see when I close my eyes? Not a single gawddamned one of you all. Here, let me check again . . . yep, nobody comes swimming into view.

Figured it'd be useful to pass that along if only to differentiate myself from 80-some percent of the population, the goofs who go on and on about how much they care about all those other goofs they've never even met. You know who I'm talking about. They like to churn out mangled sentences which prominently feature the word "we", as in: "What can we do to prevent tragedies like this from ever happening again?" And then they step on my dick with new laws and regulations, forcing my face deeper into a jelly jar full of bourbon.

And there's only so much bourbon.

The LF site gets me e-mail that can be broken down into two categories. The first is simple fan mail of the "Right-ON, Dude!" variety. I tend to like 'em since their authors often end by offering beer, and maybe even a stained couch to crash on, if I ever visit them in Shitsville, USA.

The second pile consists of those who are trying to wire me into whatever funny stuff trips their triggers. I've had folks invite me to pro- and anti-abortion protests, pot rallies, armed and unarmed marches on Washington, thinly-disguised compound tours, Harley-Davidson helmet smashes, smelly commune functions, and more.

Members of group #2 are obviously missing the point.

A prime example is this jim who runs a Kalifornia punk rawk magazine. He dropped by, liked what he saw, and asked if he could print some of my stuff. I agreed, calculating it might gain me exposure amongst green-haired skank. Then all of a sudden I was supposed to be the gent's father-confessor / mother-whackmate surrogate. But apparently I suck at those roles because he was disappointed with my curt responses and arrogant dismissals of the wondrous insights contained within the e-mails he immediately started piling into my box.

If forced to guess I'd have to bet that Fun Boy One figured my angry loner bit was some sort of facade. That I was prolly just like him, casting-about for a very special pal to share my load.

Ummmm, nope.

Let's go over some of the relevant points again:

. . .

I'm coming up on eight years in North Carolina, and am just not gonna fit into the Goober groove. So I'm casting about for a new place to land.

Luckily, there are different places to go in the country (and elsewhere -- if I could be assured that I could keep my guns, I'd move to New Zealand, which has by many reports managed to pull itself out of a socialist spiral and get its act back together). Thanks to the Web, work is wherever you can hook up, so with a good bit of planning Cheyenne can be almost as geek-friendly as Silicon Valley. And taxes in Wyoming are a teensy bit lower. My company is big on telecommuting, so there might not be any pain involved at all.

So if you clowns could give me a hand, I'd greatly appreciate it. Let me know where you live, and why you like it (unless you reside in California, Connecticut, Hawaii, Illinois, New Jersey, New York, Maryland, Massachusetts, or Rhode Island, which are already on my shit list).

My rough criteria, in some semblance of order, are:

  1. Gun-friendly. And it'd help if there are plenty of places to shoot which don't require taking out a second mortgage.

  2. Low state and local taxes compared to North Carolina.

  3. ISDN or better access to the Internet (which probably means I'll need to end-up near a university).

  4. Autobahn-style rules on highways.

  5. No ridiculous "Blue Laws" regarding booze, which knocks out a good chunk of many Southern states.

  6. Has weak or no penalties for pot (I have not smoked in years, but the thought of sparking-up a unit every once in a while without getting my belly stitched by a SNOT team is definitely appealing).

Obviously, that kind of hierarchy can yield some interesting results. Socialist Congressman Bernie Saunders is from Vermont, so I'd guess the taxes are pretty high, but it's the only state which allows anyone lacking criminal intent to carry a concealed firearm without a license. Texas, as far as I know, has no state taxes at all. Montana does not place speed limits on their highways. And so on. What I'm looking for is the best combination currently available.

Some Things I'll Miss About North Carolina:

And that's about it. Not much of a haul for an eight-year jaunt.

Up the spout