Chick Lix Slix Stick

by LF (2/11/98)

(Of course, weighing-in on this issue this late in the game means that I've blown my shot at the easy gags. The cocksucker/Tori Spelling connection/slurrrpeeee jokes have been done to death. Well, just keep in mind that the phrase "oral sex" covers more than just one less than sanitary activity. While it is possible that most Americans could live with a president who enjoys pitching or catching, say, shrimp jobs, the thought that Billy likes his bung tongued would produce a nationwide shudder not seen since the image of J. Edgar Hoover wearing garters and stockings became part of our collective iconography.)

Right after the Lewinsky flap hit the airwaves, a few regular readers started pestering me to comment on it. I held off because the whole thing just smelled funny. I mean, after all this time giving Fat Lad a complete pass on real important stuff, there had to be a sickeningly self-serving reason for the mainstream press to rip into this like a pit bull on a screaming toddler.

You want to know what changed my mind? On the day of the State of the Union address I popped on the local ABC affiliate to catch the 5pm newscast, which is usually reserved for traffic, weather, and feel-good garbage. Well, amongst the usual fluff there was a "serious" segment on what a shame it would be if the president's astoundingly important policy initiatives were ignored because of the controversy. Disgusted, I switched over to the CBS affiliate -- and they were about halfway through a serious segment on what a shame it would be if the president's astoundingly important policy initiatives were ignored because of the controversy. Apparently their marching orders had been faxed at the same time.

Now, the newsboobs were not referring to Billy possibly pitching away the lives of American servicemen in the Gulf or "inadvertantly" slaughtering countless completely-innocent Iraqi civilians rather than just aiming a laser-guided device at Saddam hisself (I mean, with the scads of billions we've blown on the CIA, NSA, etc., etc., we can't pinpoint this geek for half an hour while he's out pinning medals on himself some afternoon?). Nosirreebob, they were talking about our year-round jolly elf hauling out his big ol' goody sack one more time and splooging all the usual suspects with his wet & sticky taxpayer-funded love.

Well, what the hell is newsworthy about that? It's what the largeheaded prick does every time he steps up to a microphone. Apparently the big catch this time was that his shuck-and-jive for the silly masses was generating an unprecedented level of untoward interest due to the Lipshitzky revelations. Oh please.

So of course more dopes tuned in than usual. This answers the nagging question of why the bastard felt the need to lie when giving his deposition for the Jones case. Ratings, baby.

The only uncharacteristic thing was the stonewalling after the speech, which led to a momentary dip in Bill's approval numbers. Hell, he could've recovered immediately if he'd just called in some suitably compliant prostitute from Sixty Minutes and provided the following interview:



But what lame crap did the overpriced White House image squad actually come up with?

They had their boy give the now-famous "That Woman" song and dance. It was, at least, vintage Clinton. If I recall correctly, he never directly implicated Whorinski, so when camcorder footage turns up showing the pair actually bumping uglies he can blithely claim that he was referring to some other deluded slut.

Better yet, Barney Frank showed up on Meet the Press to scoff at the allegations. Keep in mind that Frank's ex-Boy Toy was busted a few years ago for running a male prostitution ring out of the Congressman's apartment. Well, at least ol' Barn has never had any problems with women, eh? Nobody on the panel even cracked a smile at the irony.

Let's get real. The network news organizations have taken the lead on this phony "crisis" because their audience share has been eroding for years as more and more chunks of their old locked-in viewers have moved on to cable TV and the Internet. At least a few of the network bright boys must suspect that a portion of the hemorrhaging is due to the outright contempt many Americans hold them in for being a bunch of spineless worms.

Thus the Lulickski Affair is their chance to win back some face at little expense because it can only hurt lame-duck Clinton -- unless Al Gore is dumb enough to pardon his old boss, which would scotch his own chances in 2000. Of course, with the President being so crafty and all, you can bet that the whole reason that Gore was tapped for the VP role is that a trustworthy Friend of Bill has a couple of snapshots of Al showing some Cub Scouts his beef bologna, so it might come down to "put up or get shut down, Mr. Wienie-Wagger."

And that would put Dick Gephardt into position for a presidential run. And there is nobody in the world that the old-line Democrats love more than their Dickie.

Up the spout