HCI Announces Week of Seminars
by LF (7/31/99)
Since a gaggle of yellow-drawered babies have taken me to task
for being so "unfair" to my enemies, please stand fast while's I
pass along something that'll make their little toes curl-up in their
My buds from North Carolinians for Gun Control have managed to
persuade the big dogs over at Handgun Control Inc. to hold their
yearly skull-session/propaganda pow-wow in Chapel Hill later this
year. Minds will be expanded, political palms will be greased, blinders
will be fitted, constitutions will be shredded, and the consciences of
rich white folk who live many miles and countless cordons of cops
away from any crime will be assuaged.
After a bit of scouring, I even managed to uncover a tentative
schedule of the workshops and gabfests they plan to offer:
Monday, September 13th
- [9am] Opening speeches, tissues, mimosas, crepes.
- [11am] "The Importance of Pretending to Care About Inner-City
Blacks Not Employed as Domestics"
- [1pm] "Graciously Accepting Obscene Amounts of Cash
from Coked-Up Hollywood Trash"
Tuesday, September 14th
- [9am] "Non-Lethal Means of Keeping 'The Poor' from One's Mercedes"
- [10:45am] "How to Cower in a Puddle of Urine"
- [1pm] "Tips On Prying Liquor Bottles from Sarah Brady's
Hands Before the Cameras Arrive"
Wednesday, September 15th
- [9am] "Tattooing the Proles: Barcodes or Numbers?"
- [1pm] "Keeping Your Personal Concealed Carry License Out
of the Papers" (presented by very special guest, Senator Dianne Feinstein)
- [3pm] "Exchanging Guns for Astro-Glide"
Thursday, September 16th
- [9am] "Pissing Off Millions of Angry Gunowners: Wise Choice?"
- [10:15am] "Confronting the Panicky Fear that Somebody,
Somewhere is Doing Something Neither Restricted or Mandatory"
- [1pm] "Why Contingency-Fee Lawyers are More
Trustworthy than Other Citizens" (presentation followed by 2-hour Q&A)
- [5pm] Protest against Charlton Heston for whatever he might have
said in the last week or so. (Transportation to the Hayes Barton Baptist
Church, placards, canapes, and TV coverage on every local station to be
Friday, September 17th
- [9am] "Crushing the Lives of Complete Strangers: The Ultimate
- [11am] Extended Luncheon Gala featuring finger-foods served by
lovely and accommodating minority children from many cultures and lands,
authentic-looking tearaway costumes, Moist-Wipes.
- [2pm] "No More Wacos . . . Just Yet"
- [4pm] Closing Ceremonies.
Up the spout