Are You a Boozehound?

by LF (10/97)

Here's an Alcoholics Anonymous quiz that I pulled off some poor schlub's home page. Get this: answering "yes" to two of the questions may indicate a problem, and admitting to three is the Kiss of Death.

1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking?

Not enough. Only when I plan ahead.

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?

It is my home life.

3. Is drinking affecting your reputation?

No, but a genuinely bad attitude and an inordinate fondness for firearms seems to be having a deleterious impact.

4. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?

Sure, but I cheered up when she went home.

5. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?

Only when I can't wheedle the bartender out of some freebies.

6. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?

I drink because I hate other people.

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?

Shit, that happens every time I hit the grocery store.

8. Does your drinking make you careless of your welfare?

No, every morning I check the grill of my car for bits of clothing or incriminating stains.

9. Does your ambition decrease when you are drinking?

Nope, by the end of the night I want to hop every broad in the joint

10. Do you crave a drink at a particular time of day?

What time is it now?

11. Do you want a drink in the morning?

I'm particularly fond of milk'n'champagne -- I call it the moomosa.

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty sleeping?

Ever tried catching some shuteye in a stranger's tub while sober?

13. Has your efficiency decreased due to drinking?

No, my intake usually accelerates after the first six or so.

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?

Only if the bastards catch me.

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?

Nope, they're still there when I come to.

16. Do you drink alone?

I could be standing in the middle of a State Fair and still be drinking alone.

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?

Not that I recall.

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?

I've had a doctor treat me to drinks. Does that count?

19. Do you drink to build up your self confidence?

No, I drink to see the pretty colors swirling and changing in the toilet bowl when I chucker up a gout of blood after a three-week vodka bender.

20. Have you ever been in a hospital, jail or institution on account of your drinking? (Include DUI convictions)

Oh, CONVICTIONS. No. But if they start treating boozers with heroin rather than Antabuse, maybe I'll give it a shot.

Up the spout